It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
