NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
