I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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