I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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