someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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