So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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