the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize