If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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