Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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