Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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