She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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