Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
