Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
