My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
