He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Come share oat with me in your robe
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
