i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bit a glass in half.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize