Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
