I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
