I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
