so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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