I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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