You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
