Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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