Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
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It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
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Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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