god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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