I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
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I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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