My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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