Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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