My liver just broke up with me...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
