He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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