Im at strip club and am horny
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
