I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
