I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
