I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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