so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
