We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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