why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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