just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
