well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
