Cold hands, warm shart.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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