she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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