i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
