Your face is a jimmy john
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
