I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
