i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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