Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
