he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He keeps bees of course he's weird
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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