Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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