Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
