Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
