I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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