Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
