I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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