Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
