You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
