There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
zippers are such a cool invention
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
