I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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