we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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