Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
